Long overdue update

So it's been another long while since you last heard from me. I’ve been working at my job in central London for about six weeks now, I've made a few friends and hopefully should be joining some new groups soon as well. Money’s been a bit of problem recently but it’s manageable – as I get paid weekly I have to do a mini juggle with my finances so I can cover my rent, pay for my travel and have enough to pay for my lunch. My pay should be going up by the end of next month so hopefully I’ll be able to buy some presents for Christmas.

A few weeks ago in September I did a reading from my book at an event organised by a website called Scriggler – a free online publishing site. A good friend of mine encouraged me to read a chapter so I did and I really enjoyed it. It was nice to read something outside of the usual setting (workshops/writing groups) and although I was very nervous I got through it all right and think the audience liked what I read out. They laughed at the funny bits, cringed at the crude bits and winced at the gory bits, so all in all I think it went very well. Afterwards a few people asked me about the book and when it was coming out but I was at something of a loss at how to answer them. I said I hoped it would be finished in six months but I’m not sure if that’s going to be the case. It all depends on if I can force myself to make the time.

I started teaching my evening class in west London three weeks back and it’s been going pretty well so far. I have a nice group of students of different ages and abilities and they’re very enthusiastic about learning new techniques. It’s been great working with adult learners again as that’s where I started when I first began teaching. It’s been pretty tiring though, as since I’m working full time during the week I need to prepare at the weekends so I’ve got less time to rest and consequently, less time to write. I'm meant to be starting another class next week so that’s gonna eat up even more time.

Thinking though, I just need to get some writing done on the bus/tube in the morning and then type it up when I get back. I don’t have a lot left to do to finish off this edit so I shouldn’t keep putting it off. I don’t know why I keep procrastinating on this last hill, maybe it’s the thought of what’s on the other side that’s holding me up. Funny, it seems the closer I get to finishing this book, the more I don’t want to. I wonder if it’s a fear of failure but I’ve told myself not to expect anything and that’s it’s better to just get to finished and get it out there so that I can start working on something else and hopefully get my drive back.

I need to do more things of my own.

Funny how I set aside all that time to do my own stuff and nothing is finished. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but I didn’t think I’d still be beating myself up over it in October. I knew the job wouldn’t help the situation but I didn’t think I’d be this tired. It’s weird – I get home about half six and I’ll do some stuff for a bit and think it’s time for bed and then I’ll look at the clock and it’ll only be about half eight and I try to make some sort of excuse to go to bed. I ought to spend these hours in the evening doing something constructive but it was hard enough finding the energy/motivation to do it when I wasn’t working full time. Now it just seems impossible.

I miss writing things fresh – it was a lot more fun and easier coming up with a new story than treading over old ground all this time. I hope that my next story is going to be a lot easier and that I won’t have to do as much editing and redrafting as I’ll hopefully get it near enough right on the first draft. Maybe that’s part of developing as a writer. You learn all the mistakes the first time around so you don’t have to make them again. Although my writing’s slow as ever, I'm reading a lot more. In the last week or so I read Lord of the Flies, something I’d always wanted to read but had never got around to before, and I’m currently reading To Kill a Mockingbird. At least if I’m not being productive with my own stuff I can get some inspiration/experience from reading some classics.

Tomorrow I've got my evening class so I’m going to make myself do some writing on the bus tomorrow and not take my ebooks with me. If I force myself to put some notebook time in then I can type it up when I get home. It’s just a matter of willpower...

Anyway, I’ll get some work done and give you an update in a few days.  

Wish me luck.

Update

So I’m sorry about my last entry, I had a lot of catching up to do and a lot of it was stressful. I’m happy to say I’m feeling a lot better this time and still looking forward to starting the new job on Monday. I’m already looking at writing groups and opportunities in central London and thinking about getting my group going again. I got some advice from a lady who runs a group about venues so I’ll need to make some queries as finding a venue that didn’t charge a fortune was a real problem last time. It’ll be good to get it going again.

I got some more work done on the book, I’m still lagging but I think I’ll be ok once I get these last new chapters done. I’ll be taking my notepads to work again tomorrow and I’ll do my best to get them finished.

I can’t tell you how desperate I am to get this thing finished. It’s been such a long time since I started it and I really want to start on something new. I know it’s going to be a little while yet though as I’ll have to go through it all again before I can think about publishing it online. I think that’s the way to go, I’ve tried sending it out in various states before and I haven’t had any success so at least if I put it online then it’s out there and I can move on. There’s a lot that I want to do. This new job could be a real blessing actually as I can start writing new material longhand on the way to work.

It’s my last day at my one day a week gig tomorrow and so I’ll need to pick up some chocolates or something on the way in. I talked to some people last week and there should be something in place so that when I’m gone, the patients will still be able to have opportunities to learn and get support with their learning. I’m really pleased about that.

I’m waiting to hear back about those evening classes that I’ll hopefully be teaching from late September onwards, I need to find out how the numbers are. It’ll be nice to teach some classes in the adult and community sector again, it’s been a long time.

I’ve put my interest in reading some of my stuff at a couple of writing groups and possibly at an event that my friend is running. It’ll be good to get some feedback and maybe some interest. I find that it’s important to get as much feedback on your work as possible, but you have to take it to places where people aren’t afraid to be critical and you have to be prepared for it. Positive encouragement is all well and good but it’s not always helpful. I ask people to be as ruthless as possible so that I can walk away with a few pages of notes and a lot to think about. Also the best kind of feedback can often come from people who aren’t fans of the genre that you’re writing in, maybe even hate it, because they can point out things that other people might not draw attention to.

Anyway, I need to get my stuff ready for my last day so I’ll say goodnight, hoping that next time I write you I’ll have finished a lot more and will have started the final run through.

The Way Things Are

So it’s been a really long time since my last entry and it’s been an interesting couple of months. I’m afraid my writing has stalled a lot in that time mostly due to my search for a new job to take me forward.

I managed to find a temporary role in central London through an agency at the end of June for which I went for an aptitude test but I was unable to make the start date because I had a holiday booked for then and I couldn’t start later because they needed people to start on that day due to the intensive training. I thought the company would perhaps give me some leverage because I got the highest score on the test but it wasn’t so. I was really gutted as it was perfect for me, I was hoping to get something in central so that I could do more things during the week and get back into my groups and perhaps start mine up again.

I’d put money aside when I left my job to cover my rent until the end of July and I’d planned to find something in June to keep me going until the end of the year so having that set back was a huge stress and scare for me. Money and work have always been a worry for me since I was a little kid and I think that the fear of not having enough money or a job have really affected and hindered me with the things that I really wanted to do. I’ve always put the need to find something and be comfortable ahead of my writing and art and I think if I didn’t have this anxiety then I could have put more focus into it and got things finished a lot sooner. My teaching career, something I’ve been doing for over ten years now was instigated by the need to do something with my life that would support me and validate the years I’d spent studying, years which came out of not knowing what I was going to do except write and paint.

Over the last thirteen years my writing has taken a backseat, becoming more and more of a hobby than an ambition but remaining a constant source of frustration and regret, regret that time is ticking by and I still haven’t achieved anything with it. That was why I chose to leave my job in March and take some time to finish my book. For a while it was going great but since I started worrying about work and money again, my writing has slowed down massively and I’ve found myself in a rut again.

So I went to Crete in July with my fiancé for our holiday and although I had a really good time the thought of not having a job to come back to was a real worry and I’m sorry to say that I took a lot of my stress out on my fiancé while we were there and then for a few weeks after we got back.

I’m glad to say though, now, that I’ve got a job sorted out for September. Funnily enough it was the same job that I couldn’t make the start date for. Apparently they needed some extra people and asked for me personally, I guess because of my test score. I’m really looking forward to starting and hopefully over the next month or so I’ll start going to groups again and enjoying London. I’ll also be able to see my fiancé and friends more. I’m worried though that I’m not going to get my book finished before the end of the year, that I’ll be too tired or distracted to work on it. I’ve still got a week or so to go before I start so I really need to kick myself up the bum and focus more. I meant to get some done today and yesterday but I just haven’t been able to summon the motivation.

I guess it’s become a lot more difficult the closer I am to the end, and I am getting close to it now. I still have another chapter or so to write and a few more to edit and these are the most difficult chapters because those that I still have to edit are very rough as I skimmed over sentences and even whole paragraphs, just leaving a few notes to explain events. So there’s a lot of extra writing to do just to fill gaps as well as all the stuff I have to embellish, reshape and reconstruct. I’m planning on taking my notepads into work tomorrow and finishing off the last of the new chapters so wish me luck.

I’ve also got some evening teaching classes coming up so I’ll be keeping my teaching experience current. I gave in my notice at my one day a week place which I’ll be sad to leave. As I think I’ve said before it was meant to be a full time post but they couldn’t sort out the funding so I’ve had to leave in order to take up this job in September. I would have liked to have stayed because I think they’re in sore need of activities. The work was in a physical and mental health clinic and it’s really difficult to get anything going because of staff shortages. I hope that they’ll be able to get someone else in to replace me and that things don’t just stop.

I’m sorry that this entry has been a bit depressing, but I’m glad to say that I’ve got a new job coming up and I’m lucky to have the ongoing support of my family and friends. Hey I’ll make a promise with you - I’ll put in another entry this weekend and I promise I’ll have written some new stuff and got some editing done and I’ll tell you all about it. Deal?

It's here...

So it’s the World Cup's here and I expect I’ll spend most of the England games watching through my fingers. I really enjoyed the match against Italy on Saturday and saw some real promise in our players – a definite desire to win that I haven’t seen in a long time. Maybe this will be our year, although I can see a very tough quarter final against the Netherlands or Brazil if we make it that far...

Looking at the news feed on FB recently I’ve seen a lot of people (men and women) complaining about the World Cup and how tired they are of it. I always find it annoying that people have to moan about something that only comes around once every four years and that they don’t even have to even watch if they don’t want to. Just change the channel!

Anyway, I’m watching every game and loving every minute of it.

Today I’ve started to look for temporary work to keep me going until I make up my mind about what I’m going to do with my life. If it’s more teaching then I need to do some additional training so that I have more to offer potential colleges/schools. I’m telling you, this life shit is really stressing me out. I need things to start happening for me, though I know I have to make them happen myself.

The writing’s going ok I guess; I’m up to chapter 29 now. I came up with some ideas for new chapters so I’ll need to write them out at some point. I wrote some new stuff for one of the chapters I skimmed over when I first wrote it and I took my writing pad and pen out into the garden. I actually got on pretty well. It was good to find out that I could concentrate out there and not have to go to a cafe or jump on a bus/train to get things done. The weather was lovely too, which was a bonus.

If you’re one of the few people who read my blog and you happen to be working on a book yourself then you’ll be interested to know that Random House is having an open submissions event this month. What they’re asking for is the first 50 pages and they need to be submitted by the 30^th. Because of the potentially huge number of entries, they say they won’t be able to give feedback. I sent mine in last week so fingers crossed. If you send something in and you’re offered a six figure book deal, don’t forget to add me to your acknowledgements. Just kidding.

Here’s the link: http://www.vintage-books.co.uk/capesubmissions/

Just a short entry this time, hopefully I’ll have a job sorted out soon and won’t have to worry about rent money anymore. I don’t have much else to say except... COME ON ENGLAND!

P.S. Can someone tell me how I can find out who's +1'd me? I've checked in the help session and googled it a couple of times but with no joy.

Long time no see

So it’s been a while since my last entry. I'm sorry. As it happens I hit a wall with my writing and I’ve been struggling to find my form again. It’s getting more and more difficult as I’m getting towards the end especially as there’s quite a lot of stuff that I merely summarised and didn’t fully expand upon.

 Taking my own advice I went and bought some index cards - - as they’re also called and wrote up all of the scenes/chapters that I’d conceived and laid them out in order so that I could see the arc of the story as a whole and where the gaps were that I needed to fill. I can’t reiterate enough how useful this technique is. Once I had an idea what I needed to do I summarised the extra scenes onto some more cards and put them into place. I then used these as the basis for drafting them.

Remember I said how I wrote the first draft of my book – on trains and buses? Well I had the bright idea to go back to my roots to write the new stuff. Armed with a fresh notepad and a couple of biros I spent a whole day riding the tube back and forth and came home with three new chapters which I typed up ready to edit the next day. I must say it was really good to be able to write some new material especially as I did it on the train – I was able to concentrate more and not be distracted by my phone or the internet. In case you’re wondering, I took myself a packed lunch and thankfully there are plenty of tube stations with toilets outside of zone 3. If you’ve got a spare day and you’ve come down with a nasty case of writer’s block then I recommend it as a possible treatment. It worked for me and I’ll be using it again very soon when I get to the other gap in the story.

Saying all that though I’m still struggling with the editing and it’s not helped by the fact that I’m so tired all of the time lately. I just can’t seem to get my eyes open in the mornings. I was afraid this was going to happen at some point as if I don’t have a reason to get up in the mornings beside my own then I find it very hard to wake up. I keep trying to get to sleep earlier but it’s been difficult. Maybe I’ll try those sleeping pills tomorrow night after I get back from work... if I can figure out what I’ve done with them.

By the way, last night I went to see All My Sons by Arthur Miller at the open air theatre in Regents Park and I really enjoyed it. Have seen a couple of his plays in the past and I really like his dialogue and the way he does tragedy so well. Seeing it has really put me in the mood to see more of his plays and I might see if I can get my hands on his complete works. I haven’t been to the theatre much but I’ve always had a great time whenever I’ve been. It’s a shame that it’s become such a highbrow thing and that more people don’t go to see plays (primarily because of the cost), perhaps someone will take it back to its roots as entertainment for the masses.

After a lot of pressuring I had an x-ray on my back to check if there was any permanent damage but it came back as normal. I’m running out of strong painkillers so I’ll have to try and get some on the way to work tomorrow.

I’m looking forward to the weekend as my dad’s coming to visit me. I don't get to visit my family that often (although some people might disagree) so it’ll be nice to spend some time with him. Last time he came we did some sketching around London and I’m trying to teach him how to do watercolours so he’ll have something to keep him going when he retires this year.

I really need to start looking for some work soon – it’s almost June. I’ve got enough money to cover me until the beginning of July but after that I’ll be in trouble. I asked about getting an extra day or so at my current place as initially it was supposed to be full time but because of funding they could only offer me one day a week to be reviewed at a later date. They still can’t offer me more. I might write a proposal for the bosses as there’s not a lot I can achieve there one day a week.

I’m really starting to stress about money and the future and stuff. I guess that could be why I’m so tired lately. I’m sure it’ll be ok though.

Anyway, here’s hoping that Thursday will be productive. I’m planning on printing out a couple of chapters and seeing if they’ll work in first person... just an idea.

I really, really need a haircut.

Better and worse

So I was thinking as my blog’s about being a wannabe novelist I really ought to say more about the writing process.

When I wrote the first draft of my novel I did it long hand, jotting it down in several smallish notepads on my way to and from work. Although my primary vocation is teaching, at the time I was doing some temporary office work. I’d already tried my hand at supply teaching for a year and a half and lost my enthusiasm for it.

The daily commute to the office was a great opportunity for me and one that I recommend you take full advantage of if you have it. Writing by hand has always been a preference of mine as it really frees you up when you’re not restricted by a keyboard and you can just scribble words and paragraphs out, draw arrows to rearrange sections and not have to worry about battery power or space around you. During my lunch breaks I trained myself to be able to dive straight back into my story, to pick up my pen and continue where I’d left off as if I’d never stopped.

It took me about nine months from 2009 to 2010 to complete the first rough draft and after that I left it for a long while as I was dreading having to type it all up because I knew it was going to be a very long process. In the end I had the idea to buy a headset and some dictation software to help me do the job and again that’s something I recommend if you’re not a very fast typer or if it takes you a while to decipher your own handwriting (mine gets pretty atrocious once I hit my stride). Most smart phones have something like that now but there are a number of software products for PCs and Macs. Dragonspeak is very good.

You know I really should have taken time out of work a long time ago to finish my book. As with the typing up stage I was really not looking forward to the editing process as I was expecting it to be a really tiresome job treading over old ground but actually, I’m really enjoying it. If I’d known it was going to be this much fun I would have done it a hell of a lot sooner. Currently I’m up to chapter eighteen and I’m pleased with the way it’s going. I still have a lot left but I’m getting more and more confident each day. I admit I struggle a little bit on Tuesday mornings but I soon find my strength and by the end of Friday afternoon I’m powering through it and looking forward to starting again next week.

As an update on my health, it hasn’t gotten any better. If anything, it seems to be getting worse but as long as I’ve got my painkillers it’s not a problem anymore while I’m working on my book. I felt a bit drowsy earlier, think it might be the combination of pills I’m taking.

I’ve been thinking more about getting back into my painting. I haven’t done much for a while and recently I’ve been feeling the urge to pick up my brushes. I went to the Other Art Fair over the weekend and seeing unsigned artists work on display really made me feel I should be doing my own stuff again. I really ought to get more involved in groups and societies as I need outside stimulation to get me motivated. I better get my book finished first though before I start dipping my fingers in another pie...

I’m glad the days are getting warmer; it’s really great to work in the kitchen with the back door open. It’s nice to be able to hang my clothes out on the line too, although my housemate is still drying hers on the radiator.

Two new things that I’ve discovered recently which makes being a grownup worth it...

1. Ice cream. When I was a kid it wasn’t that often that we got to have an ice cream from the van when the guy came round, but now as an adult, I can have one every day. Although I’m beginning to think the ice cream man is deliberately avoiding my road now...

2. Instant milkshake. Makes up for all the times I was told no when I saw it in the supermarket.

I'm thinking that I really need to get out more... (at least in the evenings)

Progress

It’s not been a bad week; I’ve made some headway with my writing, caught up with some old friends and I've got some stronger pills from the doctor.

I'm glad I made the decision to concentrate on my writing. I was anxious at first but I’m really getting into it now. Still going a bit slow but I’m getting better with the editing and thinking more about structure. I need to pick up some index cards from Smith’s or somewhere similar at some point. If you’re having trouble with structure I recommend using them. Basically you write an outline of each scene/chapter on an index card and spread them out on the floor, that way you can move them about however you want. I got the idea from a drama writing MA but it works just as well with novels. Try it.

It’s strange and quietly disturbing how grown up everyone seems to be getting at the moment. A couple of old acquaintances are getting married this year (not to each other) and some friends of mine are having babies and getting mortgages. It makes me wonder (reluctantly) when I’m going to start growing up. I’m thirty now but I don’t feel any different from when I was seventeen. I’m not saying I act like a kid, I just don’t feel like I’m a real adult. Maybe that only comes with children and mortgages and marriage but I’m not quite sure. Maybe no one really grows up, it’s just that these big things make other people think there are.

So apparently I’ve got something called post nasal drip disorder, something which I’ve read online is disputed amongst doctors with a lot of them thinking it’s horse shit. I’ve got a stronger nasal spray which seems to be helping a bit – I’m choking just as often but not as violently. Hopefully that means I’m getting better. The only obstacle now is my smoking.

I’ve been trying to quit for a while now but it’s hard when people around you smoke. It’s like shooting up in front of a junkie and not expecting him to join in. The other thing that makes it hard is my fucking book; I’ve only been a smoker (a mild one I must add) for three years now and when I first conceived the main character of my story in 2000 I didn’t know that making him a chain smoker would cause any problems. Whenever I’m writing a scene with him in it I’m getting serious withdrawal symptoms. It’s a good job that I don’t have a drinking problem to boot; otherwise I’d be completely fucked!

Oh, just one last thing.

Now I know that it’s = it is and its = ownership as in “this was its problem”, but can anyone tell me why Microsoft Word keeps changing its mind about it? Seriously!